资金管理

许多夫妇常见的问题是他们对资金管理不同的看法。我丈夫和我也不例外。我是一个零债务的忠实信徒，我的丈夫也是这么认为。我极力遵守我的原则，所以我目前唯一的债务是我和我的丈夫的房屋贷款和'汽车贷款。另一方面，我的丈夫已达到债务的最低记录，他唯一的信用卡。我认识了我的丈夫8年，当我刚认识他时，他的债务之大，他每天都在他的债务里潜水。 说到钱，我是我认识的人里最吝啬的人，。我是生日或秘密圣诞老人宴会里最不受欢迎的人。反之，当谈到礼物， 我的丈夫是一流的。在过去的6年， 他给我买了一部数码钢琴，最华丽的名牌手表，名牌钱包，Mac，MacBook Pro，IPOD，服装，等。你要知道，他是直到我们结婚了后才赠与昂贵的礼物。 
他和我有独立的银行帐户，和一个联名银行帐户支付共同帐单。不过，通常我都得为我得到慷慨的礼物付钱。更惹我生气得是他能够在1个月用了5000 美元得信用卡。更何况，每月自动支付800元的。 来分享是什么目的？不少夫妇因为我刚才所说的情况离婚，因为他们感到背叛，失望，被困，以及更多。他们结了婚后了才意识到他们的情况。资金管理的区别非常重要，每对对婚姻认真得情侣都应该仔细思量。还有一点，理财的观点并不容易改变。因此，如果他或她并没有在结婚之前改变，他或她最不会有可能在结婚后改变。祝你好运！

Money Management

One of the most common problem many couples suffer from is fighting over their different view in money management .  My husband and I are no different. I am a true believer in ZERO debts, and so claimed my husband. I tried very hard to keep to my words, so the only debt I have currently is my mortgage and car payment for my husband`s car. On the other hand, my husband has reached record low on debt, which is his one and only credit card. I have known my husband for 8 years, when I first known him, his debts was so great, he was diving in it every day.
When it comes to Money, I am the most stingiest person I know. I am the most unwelcome person in a birthday party or  secret Santa party. On the other hand, my husband is great when it comes to gifts. He has bought me a digital piano, the most gorgeous brand name bags, brand name purse, Mac, Macbook Pro, Ipod, cloths, etc for the last 6 years of our marriage.  Mind you, he did not start gifting expensive gifts until we were married.
He and I have separate bank accounts, and one join bank account to pay our common bills. Yet, I am usually the one end up paying for all the generous gifts I received. This is how to top off my frustration, he was able to max out his 5K credit card in a month time after I paid it off. Not to mention, there is a automatic monthly payment of $800 to that credit card.
What is the purpose for me to share my frustration? Many couple ended up divorce because of the situation I just mentioned because they felt betrayed, disappointed, trapped, and much more when they realized their situation after they were married. Difference in money management is so important that it should be discussed thoroughly for every couple who are seriously thinking about marriage. And one more thing, ones money management view does not easily changed. So if he or she does not change before getting married, he or she most likely will not change after getting married. Good luck!

 
 

5种爱的语言

我的朋友问我：我要怎么显示我的我对女朋友的爱？ “简单，首先要学习她的主要的爱语言（由加里查普曼5爱的语言）。 “什么是爱的语言？是否行得通？”他问道。 “当然”， 我回答。

我是在工作时碰到“5种爱的语言”。它不仅帮助我的个案，但最重要的是帮助了我和我的家人相处。以下解释了爱的5种语言，我会在下一次提供的我个人的经历。我希望它 可以帮助你，也希望你能与我分享你的故事。

1。爱的誓词

      行动并不总是胜于言语。如果这是你爱的语言，意思包含了不请自来的致意，感谢的话，被肯定的话等。 “我爱你”3个字，是重要的。听后，爱你的 精神会向天空发送。反之，侮辱的话不容易遗忘，可以令他人离开你。

 

 2。有质量的相处时间 （良辰）

      质 量的相处时间 就是：“我爱你，想充分，把全副精 力给你”。这是至关重要的，和他在一起时，没有电视，食物，所有的工作。 这会使你的另一半真正感到特别的爱。分心，推迟日期，或不听，有害于爱的。


      3。接收礼品

      请不要误会这是唯物主义爱的语言，接收的礼物是在乎礼物背后的努力和体贴。如果这是你的语言，你会更看重如何受到礼物，他人的关心，而不是 礼物的珍贵。错过了生日，周年纪念，或草率，轻率的礼物将是不可原谅的，所以会在日常中也要有所表达。


      4。服务行为

      吸尘确实是一种爱的表达？当然！你做什么，以减轻负担的“服务行为”， 服务行为 人都会很感动。这些话是他或她最想听到：“让我为你做的“。懒惰，承诺了而又没有达到，或令他们的工作更多，是告诉他们，感情并不重要。


      5。身体接触

      这种语言是不是只是在房里。一个人的主要语言是身体的接触是不足为奇的。拥抱，在背部拍，手牵着手，并在手臂，肩膀，关心，照顾周到接触和爱或面对面 的方式，他们都可以表现出兴奋，对身体接触 非 常敏 感。他们要求常常陪在身边，是至关重要的，不然被忽视或虐待是不可原 谅的。 “

      （来 源：http://www.5lovelanguages.com/）

acceptance and compromising in relationship.

My friend wanted me to give him some relationship advice, because he and his girlfriend had several fights and his girlfriend asked for some time off over lunch. He told me they fought over littlest thing. One thing they fight the most is about her interactions with her guy friends. He kick her out of his house and hang up her call during fights. He asked me what should he do? If he should give her time to think about what she wants? If he should compromise? Or if he should accept it and work towards changing it later which he called it acceptance to compromise.   At least he was honest. Many people in relationship, especially at the beginning of a relationship, would "accept" the other person as it is, but unconsciously they were thinking about "compromising" the other person later on.   

What is acceptance? Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it. (from Wikipedia)
What is to compromise? To compromise is to make a deal where someone gives up part of, or all of its demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire. (from Wikipedia)

Interestingly, both words do not involve changing the other person.  However, most people in relationship really was thinking of changing the other person yet they call it acceptance or compromising.

接受和妥协。

我的朋友要我给他一些关于爱情的咨询意见，因为他和他的女 友吵了好几个架。 他的女友在午餐时间要求平静的想想。他告诉我，他们总是为了一点点小事吵架。有一点最常吵架的是有关她与她的男性朋友来往的方式。他把她赶出家门，并挂断她电话。他问我应该怎么办呢？他是否应该给她时间去思考自己想要的东西？他要妥协？或者他应该接受它，以后才努力改变它，他称之为 接受妥协。至少他是诚实的。许多人在谈恋爱的时候， 特别是在开始的时候，会“接受”，但他们不自觉地的想“妥 协”他人。

什么是“接 受”？“接 受”是当一个人同意的情况的经验，遵循一个过程或条件 （通常是负面或不舒服的情况），而不试图去改变它。 （来自维基百科）
什么是"妥协"？妥协是一个过程，有人放弃部分或全部的需求。在争论时，妥协是通过沟通找到概念，往 往涉及从原先的目标和愿望的变化彼此接纳。 （来自维基百科）
 
有趣的是，这两个词并不涉及改变其他人。然而，大多数的人的在爱情关系里真的是想改变另一半却称之为接受 或妥协。

Declear you relationship on facebook.

A friend asked for my help because his girl friend refused to declare their relationship on Facebook. Her reasons was that she just broke up with her ex-boyfriend and did not feel comfortable to declare a new relationship so soon.
He continued telling me that his girl friend has introduced him to her best friends in real life and she has also scheduled to let her parents meet him. Yet, all these were not as important as declaring their relationship on Facebook. He was upset. Not only he picked fight twice in a week, he also kick her out of his house after the second fight.
How important is it to have " XXX is in a relationship with XXX" on Facebook? It is about principle, he said. Is it the same principle with wearing ones wedding ring? If so, then the principle means to reassure your love one by telling the world "don't even think about it, I am already taken".

Active listening, and when it does not work...

Active listening skill is one of the most well recommended communication skills for letting others know you are paying attention, for encouraging them to open up, for understanding others. In a nutshell, active listening is putting into words your understanding of what the other person has said.

For an example, you were late for your date. Your date said"You told me you'd be here at 5:30 and here it is, 6:30!" An active listening response would be "You sound angry."  There will not be any judgments or criticism, but merely a statement to show other person know you have heard the message.　

Active listening is one of the most used skills by me in my counseling sessions, and it works every time and works like wonder. My clients will open up, feel validated and heard. However, active listening does not work most of the time in my relationship with my husband. Instead of opening up, he shuts down, ignore my response, denied his feelings or asked me not to talk to him as if I were in a counseling session.

I had to come up with another way to communicate with him. I figured out the reason active listening does not work for my husband is because statements like "you sound angry" gets too personal for him and it puts him on the spot.  So, instead of using "you", I use "that".

In the same situation above, if he says "You told me you'd be here at 5:30 and here it is, 6:30!" My response will be " That must sucks for all the waiting." It provides him an opportunity to vent and communicate with each other.

For anyone out there who would like to improve their communication skill, and when active listening skill does not work for you, try this little alternate technique.