Active listening, and when it does not work...

Active listening skill is one of the most well recommended communication skills for letting others know you are paying attention, for encouraging them to open up, for understanding others. In a nutshell, active listening is putting into words your understanding of what the other person has said.

For an example, you were late for your date. Your date said"You told me you'd be here at 5:30 and here it is, 6:30!" An active listening response would be "You sound angry."  There will not be any judgments or criticism, but merely a statement to show other person know you have heard the message.　

Active listening is one of the most used skills by me in my counseling sessions, and it works every time and works like wonder. My clients will open up, feel validated and heard. However, active listening does not work most of the time in my relationship with my husband. Instead of opening up, he shuts down, ignore my response, denied his feelings or asked me not to talk to him as if I were in a counseling session.

I had to come up with another way to communicate with him. I figured out the reason active listening does not work for my husband is because statements like "you sound angry" gets too personal for him and it puts him on the spot.  So, instead of using "you", I use "that".

In the same situation above, if he says "You told me you'd be here at 5:30 and here it is, 6:30!" My response will be " That must sucks for all the waiting." It provides him an opportunity to vent and communicate with each other.

For anyone out there who would like to improve their communication skill, and when active listening skill does not work for you, try this little alternate technique.

 

Ways to show love

My friend asked me: How do I show my girlfriend my love for her? "simple, first learn her primary love language" ( The 5 love Languages by Gary Chapman). " What is love language? Does it work?" He asked. "of course, it works"

I came across The 5 love languages during my practice. It not only helped my client, but most of all it helped my relationships with my family.   It also explained many things that has been bothering me through my life. Bellow explained what The 5 love languages are, I will provide personal stories next time. I hope it helps you, and hope you will share your stories with me.

                                         " 1. Words of Affirmation

• Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

• 2. Quality Time

  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• 3. Receiving Gifts

  Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• 4. Acts of Service

  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• 5. Physical Touch

  This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. "  
  (Source: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)